1. Go ahead, I already came.
Yeah, um, if she already came you wouldn’t need to ask – you would have heard it. Some women can climax without making noise but that takes a lot of practice. It’s like silent laughing – possible but unlikely. If you are banging your girlfriend and she’s made not a peep – she didn’t orgasm. Wanna test it? Go down on her and work her clitoris over with your tongue for 10 or so minutes, if she’s not bucking, moaning or screaming then you have a unicorn who can silently orgasm. Otherwise, she’s lying.
2. I’m fine or It’s fine.
I don’t know what you did but I can tell you something definitively it is so NOT fine. She is NOT in the least bit fine. I’d runaway if I were you because that is a ticking time bomb you are prodding for an answer and it will blow…just not you.
3. I’ll be ready in a few minutes.
Unless you’re dating a dude in disguise, she will not be ready in a few minutes. We say a few minutes when we mean an hour because it sounds better. We need to do hair, make up and multiple outfit try-ons. It feels like a few minutes to us because we are hauling ass, but the clock and your patience say otherwise.
4. Tell me I promise I won’t be mad or upset
Hahahahahahahahaha…don’t fall for that one. We are already gearing up to be upset. We’re trying to coax you into telling us something we know we don’t want to hear and we are ticked off that you just made us lie to you and promise to not get mad when you know we will.
We wear Spanx, corsets, tummy panels, control top everything and push-up bras and make up which includes concealer. Everything in our arsenal is geared towards lying about our weight and age. We use poses to make our social media pictures look 10 years younger and 20-50 lbs. thinner. If you marry us, you will know our age, maybe but you will never, ever know how much we weigh. Even at our thinnest we take 10-15 lbs. off the truth because those Spanx say we can.
6. I have no idea where I want to eat.
We have an idea, but we don’t want to say. We do know what we don’t want to eat, and we are happy to have you narrow it down for us by naming 35 places you could eat. While we just say no to every suggestion until you sigh and say the one place we both knew I wanted.
7. Do whatever you want.
Yeah, so this means we have no opinion and no woman on the planet has no opinion. Do not do whatever you want, it won’t end well.
8. Sure, you can go with your friends.
Nope, you cannot go with your friends. If you go with your friends it will be World War 3, do you want that? Better yet, if you do go with your friends, we will go with our friends – you know those chicks who hate your guts and want us to dump you. This is one of those lies that is a precursor towards vengeance.
9. I didn’t finish but that’s okay.
Dude, it’s not okay. The whole point of sex is the orgasm and not having an orgasm sucks. We don’t want you to feel bad or inadequate because we love you. That doesn’t mean you should just roll over and go to sleep. Just because you finished doesn’t mean you can’t finish us, you have a hand and a mouth – get in there and finish is off. Otherwise, the resentment will add up.
10. You are the best I have ever had.
We care about you and we don’t want to make you feel insecure or lacking in any way, so we will tell you that you’re the best even if you’re not. Plus, positive reinforcement works much better than shaming. We tell you that you’re the best and it will make you want to work even harder and get even better. You don’t need to be shamed about a lackluster performance any more than I need to be shamed for having a big rear end. If we shame your performance it will kill your self-esteem, if you shame my big butt I may lose it, but I’ll dump you when I do.