1. Unicorn Frappuccino
Starbucks’ Unicorn Frappuccino encompasses everything wrong and stupid with 2017: it’s superfluous – nobody needs it or even wants it. The colors are weird, and it tastes like socks. Please, no more of this nonsense.
If there was a purpose to this stupid move, it’s been forgotten now. Pointing one arm to the sky while bowing your head into your arm is not a dance. It’s dumb. Time to find a new way to confuse your parents.
3. Unnecessary Oreo Flavors
Oreos are delicious just as they are – they don’t need improvements or tweaks. But the good people at Nabisco keep coming up with wacky flavors that nobody wants. Jelly doughnut, apple pie, “firework” (!!!), caramel, Mississippi mud pie, Swedish fish? No. We want the normal Oreos, double stuffed. If you want to experiment, try Triple or Quadruple stuffed.
4. Extreme Contouring
It used to be just for television, but women are now taking contouring very seriously. Carving out bold cheekbones and a blazing T-Zone is now the epitome of good face. But really? This all looks absurd – nobody really looks like this. Maybe 2018 will be the year we take it down a notch?
While 1939 was the original Year of the Nazi, 2017 will be known as the year of the pseudo-Nazi. There was Nazi talk everywhere – and if you don’t agree, you’re a Nazi. From the Richard Spencer “Nazi haircut” to the regular diatribes on Twitter and the news, Nazis seemed to be everywhere this year. Let’s just let this stupid ideology die already.
This group is just as bad as the Nazis of 2017. They’re masked crusaders who believe in beating anyone who doesn’t agree with them. It’s time for these guys to just go away.
From mermaid hair to mermaid blankets the mermaid trend is so overdone. These mythical creatures are cute when you’re in middle school but by the time you’re an adult, you just look out of touch.
8. Pour over coffee
This fancy way of making coffee entails grinding the coffee, then pouring hot water over the grounds to make a cuppa. Coffee snobs like it because it allows you to control for strength and taste much better than just brewing a cup in the Keurig. But unless you’re a serious coffee fiend, taking the time to do this before work or during work is just not feasible.
9. Ombre hair
This trend is officially over. It was really over by the middle of 2016, but I’m calling it over and dead by 2018. It’s very pretty but it fades after about 10 minutes, so you’re left with hair that doesn’t quite look ombre but also doesn’t look quite uniform. It’s dated. Time to find a new style.
10. Kid shaming
This should never have been a trend at all but thankfully kid shaming reached its peak in 2017. Forcing your kids to get social media likes to earn a trip to Disney Land or making them hold a sign saying they are a bully is not productive. In fact, it’s abusive. Let 2018 be the year you appropriately discipline your own kids instead of looking to society to do it for you.
11. Eyebrow stuff
All the eyebrow stuff has got to end. Whether it’s the braided brow, the feathered brow or whatever this is let’s give dumb eyebrown trends a hard pass in 2018.
12. Muddy jeans
2017 may have reached peak stupidity when in April, Nordstrom began selling pre-muddy jeans for a whopping $475. The description read:
Heavily distressed medium-blue denim jeans in a comfortable straight-leg fit embody rugged, Americana workwear that’s seen some hard-working action with a crackled, caked-on muddy coating that shows you’re not afraid to get down and dirty.
So the jeans can make you look like a rugged working man, even if you’re not.
13. Activated charcoal.
This black powdery substance attracts drugs and toxins to it, which is why it is used in hospitals to counter drug overdoses. But this year’s trend of adding it to everything is gross – it turns everything black and it doesn’t work just by adding it to smoothies. When TGI Fridays starts adding it to its cocktails, you know the trend has gone too far.
14. Food served on things other than plates.
An entire website (and book) is devoted to the stupid things restaurants have been serving food on in lieu of plates – and this trend must stop. People do not need to eat out of an old boot, a toilet, a blown gasket, or any of the other “creative” ideas people have. People want plates.
15. Clear pants.
There is literally no purpose for them, and even the ones that have clear panels at the thighs or knees look ridiculous. We are trying to have a society here, people, we need to you to wear pants.