1. You know what your problem is? You don’t smoke enough.
2. Are you as over ordinary forks as I am? Well fork you, here’s a very complicated device to help you eat spaghetti!
3. Keep a little bit of the rain off your precious shoes.
4. If you’re like me, getting up to grab a Kleenex is just a waste of time. To free up time for more important things, wear a roll of toilet paper on your head.
5. Seriously – about that rain? If you don’t want it anywhere on you, try this giant bubble.
6. The minimalist bed.
7. Stabilizers for your shoes. You won’t look weird at all wearing these.
8. Have you ever been frustrated that your eggs weren’t a bit more… square?
9. Truck nuts.
10. Kérastase Hair Coach. Are you just too stupid to brush your hair? Well don’t worry, the Kérastase Hair Coach has a gyroscope, an accelerometer, and a microphone that can listen to your hair being brushed to tell you how you’re doing it all wrong. How fun.
11. Smart condom. The iCom is purely for douchebags who engage in competitive sex. It’s a cock ring that according to the pre-order page will answer such questions as:
What’s my thrust velocity?
How fast are my thrusts?
How many calories did that sesh just burn?
How many times did I just have sex?
What’s the average skin temperature of my… eggplant?
What’s my girth?
How many different positions did I just conquer?
12. Hari Mari’s Smart flip-flops. These “smart” shoes don’t do much for you, like maybe count your steps are tell you if you’re losing or gaining weight. They just make it easier for Hari Mari to market to you. The embedded chip pairs with an app so you can get the company’s special offers. Blech.
13. Diet Water. Peak stupidity.
14. If you need this, you’re just lazy AF. There, I said it.
15. Are you too tired or lazy to actually hold your head up? The Japan Trend Shop has your back, but unfortunately they’re sold out right now.