20 Clean Jokes That Are Actually Funny

1. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

2. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

3. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

4. Q: What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? A: One isreally heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

5. And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life. But John came fifth and won a toaster.

6. I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.

7. My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.

8. I went to the zoo the other day. It was empty except for one dog. It was a Shih Tzu.

9. I poured root beer in a square glass.Now I just have beer.

10. How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive west.

11. A man is washing his car with his son. The boy says ‘Dad, can’t we use a sponge?’

12. The temptation to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is always just a whim away a whim away a whim away a whim away.

13. Q: What’s the difference between a poorly-dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? A: Attire.

14. So a photon walks into a hotel. The bellhop says,”Can i carry any of your luggage?”The photon says,”No thanks, I’m traveling light.”

15. When my grandad was 65 he started running a mile a day to keep fit. He’s now 70, and we have no idea where he is.

16. Q: Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? A: Because they’re really good at it.

17. Q: What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle? A: The polar bear.

18. Two cannibals were eating a clown. One said to the other, “Does he taste funny to you?”.

19. When I die I want to go peacefully like my grandfather – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like his passengers.

20. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.