5 Unwritten Bathroom Laws Every Man Should Know

There are certain rules that must be followed when you’re going to the bathroom, and unfortunately it seems some of the less civilized among us are not aware of these rules. You go to the bathroom to quickly use the urinal and then some guy you don’t even know comes up to the urinal next to you and starts talking like you guys are best friends? That’s the stuff of nightmares. Don’t be that guy, follow this basic bathroom etiquette and teach your fellow man, who may not know better, the correct way to act.

1. NO TALKING
The most important rule on this list, it is imperative that you do not speak in the bathroom. Every other rule on this list important, but none are sacred as this one. The bathroom is one of the few places on earth where everyone gets a moment of tranquility. Ruining this moment by opening your big mouth and trying to strike up a conversation with some dude that’s peeing and doesn’t even know you is one of the greatest offenses possible. If you talk to someone while they’re peeing, not only are you being awkward, but you’re robbing that person of a few minutes of peace and quiet.

2. NO PEEKING
This one is just creepy. Don’t peek on the guy next to you while you’re peeing, you’re being a weirdo and going to make the other person very uncomfortable if they catch you looking. Even if they don’t catch you, what you’re doing is not okay. Think about it, do you really want some random dude looking at your junk? No? Neither does anybody else, so don’t do it.

3. DO NOT PULL YOUR PANTS ALL THE WAY DOWN
This one is sort of understandable, this is carry over from being a little kid. We’ve all walked into the bathroom at a restaurant and seen some little kid taking a whiz with his pants pulled all the way down. Kids are still learning how to go to the bathroom, they don’t always have the dexterity or skill required to pee without pulling their pants down. You are not a child though, you are a fully functioning adult man and you don’t need to pull your pants all the way down to get your stuff out of your pants to pee. Nobody wants to see your rear.M’kay?

4. STAY AS CLOSE TO THE STALL AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE
In a similar vein to the previous rule, you need to stay as close to the stall as you can. If you don’t stand close to the urinal, other guys are going to see your genitals, and nobody wants to see your twig and berries. Going to the bathroom is not some kind of sport. You are not at the Olympics, nobody cares if could win the gold medal for distance pissing. Besides that, even if you could win the gold medal for distance, you’re inevitably going to end up getting some on the floor as the jets begin to run out of fuel, which is disgusting. So seriously, stay up close and personal with the urinal.

5.MAXIMUM SPACING BETWEEN URINALS
It is very important to understand this concept. When you walk into a bathroom to use the urinal, the basic rule of them is to use the urinal farthest away from the other men. The exact urinal to pick can be tricky at first, but with enough experience you’ll be able to spot the optimal urinal to use as soon as you walk into the bathroom. Never should you ever take a urinal that is directly next to another man unless you have no other option. Also, if you are the first person in the bathroom that has three urinals in it, don’t be that guy that takes the middle urinal. You’re forcing any other men that walk in to stand next to you, when the situation could have been avoided if you just took either of the other ones.

Honorable mention goes to “no shaking hands”. I don’t think I need to explain why.