7 Reasons for Men to Never Get Married

As a woman, I owe it to my sisters to extol the virtues of marriage to men. It’s my sworn duty to extol the virtues of matrimony to every man, especially the ones dating my girlfriends. So, it would seem, anyway. At the risk of losing my “lady card,” I’m about to do the exact opposite. Sorry ladies, but in many ways – seven to be exact – marriage doesn’t always favor the guys. On the whole, marriage slowly but surely drains men of the very thing that attracts us to them – their manliness. So much for “the sisterhood.” Here are seven reasons for men to never get married:

1. Maintain Your Dignity
Attention guys, we women will turn you into complete wimps if you give us half the chance. It starts during the dating phase and becomes permanent the moment you say, “I do.” Don’t believe me? Look at Prince Harry, who passed up the traditional Boxing Day shoot so as not to offend his vegan fiancé. (What a pussy!) We’ll rob you of your manhood, guys. If you don’t believe me, go to Bed, Bath, and Beyond on any given Sunday. Check out the dull, lifeless looks in your brothers’ eyes and they wander like lost puppies behind their wives. Deep down inside, you know these fellas would rather be at home, watching football.

2. More Time for Hobbies and Other Things You Love
Do you love deer hunting every fall? What about cage fighting? Or playing guitar in your mid-life crisis punk rock band? When you get married, you’ll kiss all of that goodbye. This is an incontrovertible fact. We women have a nasty habit of guilting our men into giving up all the hobbies and activities that they love. Ironically, our guys wouldn’t dare ask us to do the same. We’d light into him with all the indignation of the most self-righteous third-wave feminist. “Do as I say, not as I do” is a little-known but well-enjoyed female privilege. If your hobbies are important to you, don’t tie the knot, guys!

3. More Sex with More Women
Marriage provides husbands unlimited access to their wives’ vaginas, right? Wrong! This is one of the biggest misconceptions men have about marriage. For some reason, that diamond ring on our finger is the biggest cock-blocker known to man. It practically induces “headaches,” “fatigue,” and any other ailment that prevents us from spreading our legs. Sex is still exciting with girlfriends and fuck buddies, and they’ll give you far less grief. If you want a fun, hassle-free sex life, don’t invest in diamonds any time soon… or ever!

4. Save Your Money
Women will cost you an arm and leg… and maybe even the other arm. We want the biggest house on the best street with the nicest lawn. We also want the best car, clothes, and every other creature comfort. We also demand that you pay for it. If you think that’s bad, wait until the kids come into the picture! For many men, marriage is a one-way ticket to Debtsville, population you. Single men, on the other hand, don’t need much. And when they get things such as holiday bonuses, it’s perfectly normal – and acceptable – to blow it on tattoos, beer, and other frivolous purchases. You’ll never do that with a ring on your finger.

5. Live the Way You Want To
Are you the kind of guy whose response to household chores is “I’ll get to it later?” If so, you better stay single for life. No self-respecting wife is going to let you flop on the couch or take a nap when you have dirty socks on the floor or haven’t taken out the garbage. Look, I completely get it… in theory. But chances are I’d probably nag the shit out of you until you put that cap back on the toothpaste. So, will any other woman I know. If you want to live the way you want to live, marriage is completely out of the question.

6. No Annoying In-Laws
When you marry a woman, you marry her family. Her bitchy mother, ornery dad, clingy sister, and annoying brother are all part of your family now. And you’re going to spend every holiday with them whether you like it or not. (See point No. 1 for reference.) You’ll probably see more of these people than you will your own friends and family. If you’re not willing to spend the rest of your life with a bunch of people whom you wouldn’t piss on if they were on fire, tear up the marriage license now and run the other way.

7. Avoid the High Cost of Divorce
Someone once said that the definition of marriage is “finding a woman you hate then buying her a house.” Unfortunately, this is more than just some corny joke. It’s an accurate description of marriage for many men. As a husband, you’re expected to pick up the tab for everything and it’s not much different after your divorce. If losing half of everything you own seems too high a price to pay for a little sex, then you already know what I’m going to say next.

8. We All Die Alone Anyway
I don’t mean to be nihilistic but it’s true for the most part. Plus, it seems like good enough a reason to justify never getting married. Because let’s be honest, if you choose to never get married, you’re going to have to defend this decision to the many well-meaning busybodies in your family and immediate social circle. This response comes across so morbid that’s it’s usually enough to shut down any further discussion. Try it and see!