7 Things That Should Be Deal-breakers in a Relationship

Everyone has some idea of what would be that one thing that would cause them to end a relationship. It’s usually something obvious like violence and that’s a good thing, don’t get me wrong. There are other things that spell complete doom for any long-term relationship or marriage that shows up early and often gets dismissed. They are red flashing warning signs of doom and they should be deal breakers and you shouldn’t dismiss them. Here is a list of 7 deal breakers that I wish I knew about 20 years ago.

1. Excessive Drinking. Excessive is really the keyword here. Most adults enjoy a good cocktail on the weekends or even after a hard day at work. There is a mighty big difference between enjoying an adult beverage or even partying hard occasionally and partying till you vomit or get a vicious hangover on the regular. The former is most of us in our 20’s, the latter is a red flag that alcoholism may be on the horizon. Alcoholism destroys people, families and marriages. My 1st marriage was killed by alcoholism. The damage often can’t be undone and trust me when I say you can never save an alcoholic from themselves. The only thing you can do is save yourself and your children if you have any.

2. Lying. Relationships are built on trust and honesty is the foundation. If you don’t trust the person you’re with then you have nothing. I’m not a lying absolutist either. Little white lies that are told to spare someone’s feelings are not what I’m talking about at all (e.g. Do I look fat in this? No!) those are ok. Now lying to you because they don’t want to face or deal with your wrath/emotions or whatever is different.

e.g., Who were you talking to? My Mom. Checks phone sees it was ex-girlfriend. Why did you lie? Because it was innocent but I just wasn’t in the mood for your drama.
Lies like those lead to other, bigger lies and trust evaporates. It’s not worth the mental anguish and self-doubt to stay in that type of relationship.

3. Infidelity (Emotional or Physical). When one half of your partnership has sex with someone else it’s rarely survivable. Women are more likely to forgive a one-time physical transgression than men are…on the flip side women are much less likely for forgive their partner telling someone else that they love them. Once emotions are involved, it’s over. Trust me when I tell you that forgiveness is much easier than forgetting and rebuilding trust. It will never be the same once you have been betrayed.

4. Bad Sex. Yep, you read that right. I know it sounds cruel but sex is a very important part of a romantic love relationship, without it you’d just be friends. Good sex and sexual chemistry are the glue that hold a relationship together through the tough times and there will always be some tough times. I’m not suggesting that you should dump someone out of the gate if the first romp or two wasn’t up to scratch but if they aren’t willing to learn to give you pleasure or learn how to receive the pleasure you want to give…walk away.

5. Can’t agree on children. You want them, they don’t or vice versa, in either case someone is going to be very unhappy. Please don’t move forward hoping they will change or that you can change them because that doesn’t work. Find someone who is on the exact same page as you are where kids are concerned.

6. Commitment Phobic. If you are looking for long-term and marriage, being with someone who has commitment issues is a recipe for disaster. This leads to fights, cheating and worse than that false promises. If you know your partner is not able to commit and that is what you want then please just let them go and move on with your life. Don’t put your life on hold waiting for them or you’ll regret it.

7. Uneven Relationship. What exactly is an uneven relationship? It’s basically when more is expected from one person than the other person is willing to give in return. It’s a powerplay, in a sense, but mostly it’s an unhealthy thing in any relationship whether it’s romantic, friendship, familial or business. I’m not talking about normal ups and downs or bumps in the road when one person must step up emotionally or physically until the other person is back on their game. I’m talking about a pervasive pattern of “all for me” and “none for you”. You can’t thrive in a relationship where one of you is the King or Queen and the other is “the help”. If that is your dynamic, you should walk away. It will not ever get better and you will be miserable.