Do you ever watch small children run around, climbing everything, smashing into each other, falling, then getting up and doing it all over again while giggling? Yet the last time you got out of a car, you threw your back out?
Getting older is for the brave, so we all must be badasses, because it’s happening to all of us. Here are twenty moments so many of us have had that made us say, “Oh, man. I’m getting old.”
20. The first time a retail clerk called you sir or ma’am.
You got in the car and studied your face and hairline in the rearview mirror for a good ten minutes before you turned the ignition, huh?
19. The day a coworker asked you to go clubbing, and you realized it was no fun.
Loud music you’ve never heard of, drinks the cost of a car down payment, and did she say the place doesn’t even open until 10 P.M.? The only people up at that hour are drug dealers!
18. The first time you didn’t fit into the 18-35 demographic.
17. When a newspaper or site commemorates the twentieth anniversary of your favourite album.
Now way is “Pretty Hate Machine” almost 30. Shut up.
16. Speaking of music, what is that crap on the radio?
These people are not cold. They just don’t want to hear your awful music.
15. You don’t have the same relationship with food.
This is nowhere near as exciting as an open bar, or even a Chinese buffet.
14. Your clothing becomes less…exciting.
Minis are traded in for mom jeans, leather jackets for sports coats, lust for life for a steady paycheck. You might have Cure t-shirt in the back of your closet, though.
13. People start taking your ideas seriously…which is terrifying.
Suddenly, you’re not only believed to have the answers, but some people EXPECT you to.
12. Your have a new doctor, and he’s younger than you.
And your attorney? She’s younger than you, too. Also? You see doctors and need attorneys.
11. Your friends’ kids are graduating.
If you never had children, you can totally pretend you’re young until your old pals from high school start posting pics of their kids becoming grownups.
10. Hangovers are now a thing. They’re SUCH a thing.
Remember when you could hammer down a few cocktails or a keg and wake daisy fresh and ready to play pickup football on the quad? Ahahaha those days are so over.
9. You spend gift cards on things you actually need.
An Amazon gift card is no longer about music and games. It’s about socks, 4-packs of toilet paper, and little Becky’s school supplies.
8. You have to scroll soooo far down to get to your birth year.
Keep going. Keep going. Ah, there’s the sense of impending death.
7. Children are actually a little afraid of you.
Once, some kids were riding bikes on my lawn. I didn’t come out to yell, I just banged on the window. Now they think that house is haunted. No more bikes.
6. The first time you reference something younger coworkers do not understand.
They don’t know why you think your “Miami Vice” joke is so funny. They also don’t know who Charles Nelson Reilly is, or what a floppy disk was.
5. Your sense of civic duty and participation in life makes pop entertainment annoying.
Seeing a car chase on screen or a bunch of super heroes flying around destroying stuff makes you wonder what’s happening with traffic and whose taxes are going to pay for all the damage.
4. When you first buy your parents dinner.
The first time you pick up the check for the people who raised you — or the extended family — is simultaneously a point of pride AND a trip.
3. When you first injure yourself doing something innocuous…like getting out of bed.
I had to go the physical therapy for an injury I sustained literally getting out of bed…ten years ago. Oh, what glories await?
2. And it takes forever to heal now.
When you were a kid, a Band Aid would fall off in two days, and you’d be pretty much magically healed. Now you’re still wrapping that paper cut from two weeks ago.
And Number 1: you sound exactly like your parents.
The very first time you heard yourself telling a child “Because I said so!” or you asked an empty room “Where did I put my glasses?” you heard your mother or father’s voice. And you immediately put “Pretty Hate Machine” in the CD player you had to dust off, just to feel alive again.