Getting divorced really stinks no matter what the reason. I divorced for many reasons but the main one was alcoholism; my ex was a raging alcoholic and there was simply no way to keep the family together. Alcoholism destroys everything and everyone it touches and as sad as this sounds the only way to salvage my children’s future and their relationship with their father was to end the marriage before any more damage occurred. I have compiled a list of the five worst things about getting divorced for women, as a woman I can only speak to that.
1. Money will always be an issue.
Divorce makes people angry and no matter how amicable you try to make things the person who was left will want to salvage a piece of self-respect and the only way to do that is to take a piece out of the person who left them. The best way to do that is not pay the child support, spousal support or liquidate the assets and spend it before the court can split them up. Money equals control and the way to exact some penance from the person who you think wronged you is to control the money. The only people harmed by this is the children but when in the grips of the kind of anger that divorce causes you simply can’t think straight for a long, long time.
2. No matter who is to blame you will feel like a failure.
Nobody gets married expecting to divorce. Divorce feels like a death because that is exactly what it is – it’s the death of all your hopes and dreams. A marriage is two people and both parties are given credit when stuff is amazing, and both are to blame when it breaks down. You may be thinking but they cheated so I am not to blame but you are too, and you know you are and that’s why you’re so angry. You failed. It sucks. It will get better but initially it feels horrible and you will kick yourself a lot. Stop doing that. Allow yourself time to grieve then get back up and start living again. There most definitely is life after divorce and a lot more sex for us women because we don’t have worry about getting judged anymore. I’ve had ten times the sex post-divorce than I had in 12 years of marriage. Despite being told by “his friends” that no man wants 40-year-old woman with 2 kids, I am happy to report that was absolute poppycock. Half the marriages in this country fail, there are plenty of men out there with children who want a relationship.
3. You will be more stressed out than your worst married moments.
You thought you fought a lot before you left…man oh man those were the days, huh? Divorce causes more anger not less. Why? Because not only are you breaking up, but you must split money, property, children’s time, and you have to come to terms with someone you want to drive your car over. You think peace in the Middle East is tough? Get a lawyer and tell your soon to be ex what you think you deserve and watch the fireworks. Men never feel that their ex-wives deserve anything but the back of their hands figuratively speaking, mostly. Women need to smile and pretend it’s all ok when our insides are an inferno of emotions. We are trying to make things okay for our kids while making sure we get an equitable divorce. Our ex’s will do all kinds of dirty and shady things to make us look bad to win at all costs in court. All of that must stay inside because the kids have been through enough and you need to make sure they aren’t further damaged by saying nasty things about their Dad within ear shot. This takes a toll.
4. You will feel guilty about your children.
They went from having a good life with two parents to having two homes with two separate parents in various stages of pissed off. Depending on what was the ultimate cause for your divorce you can add that in as well. Mine as I mentioned was alcoholism and I felt guilty that I didn’t leave soon enough, and they were exposed to things they should never have seen because of their father’s addiction. I endangered them because I thought I did the right thing by trying to fix something I could never fix. Also, the court has very little care for whether your children are safe with your ex – anything you tell them they assume you are lying because they are just that jaded. This requires you to become a detective and risk going to jail yourself to protect them. If you fail add on the guilt.
5. You will lose friends.
People take sides in a divorce. There are no harsher critics than family and friends. They don’t want to hear the whys of your divorce they just want to judge your failure. They will judge you silently and sometimes not so silently. Console yourself with the knowledge that anyone who would choose your ex over you – deserves them. It hurts but that’s life.