The 7 Keys to Surviving A Zombie Apocalypse

Let’s be honest, with the way to the world is headed today, a zombie apocalypse would be an improvement. If you’re like me, you might even be hoping for it!

But are you ready? If your answer is anything less than “’HELL YES!’ *pumps shotgun*” then you are in luck. I’m about to hit you with 7 things you need to know if you’re going to make it through a zombie apocalypse.

1. Weapons!
The first thing you want to do is make sure you have a means to defend yourself. While firearms, particularly rifles, handguns and really anything with a range longer than your arm are preferable, don’t pass up the opportunity to grab anything in sight. We’ve all seen those zombie movies where the people decide to use stealth as their main method of self-defense, and get eaten within 15 minutes of the action starting. Learn from their mistakes, snatch up that broom handle and hammer some nails through it.

2. Location, Location, Location
Odds are you haven’t reinforced your house, and never anticipated that a hungry, undead horde would be banging on your windows. That’s perfectly fine! All you have to do now is find a location that has the resources you need (food, water, and some walls) and has relatively heavy-duty construction. Think of brick buildings or warehouses, preferably your local grocery store. While a Super Walmart would be awesome, as it has everything you could ever need, keep in mind that that is a lot of space to keep covered and there are a lot of exits that need to be watched. Remember that when you’re scoping out places to plant your flag.

3. Time To Pimp Your Ride
Stop what you’re doing. Stop reading this list. Go outside and find your nearest mechanic. Befriend him. Bring him offerings of beer and Slim Jims until he is guaranteed to have your back in a crisis. Do this because your car isn’t made to withstand the brutal beating of having zombie noggins bouncing off of it at high speeds. You’ll need a friend who knows his way around your ride to keep it in tip-top, horde-fleeing condition. Bonus points if he can turn your vehicle into a rolling fortress of pain and despair.

4. No Lone Wolves
Traveling by yourself might seem like a good idea at first, I mean it’s easier to get around, no fighting for supplies, less likely to be spotted by flesh-hungry monsters, etc. Unfortunately it also means you’re easier to kill, because you have nobody to come to your aide if/when you need it. Don’t go it alone! To build an effective team you’re going to need:
• Fearless Leader – You need someone who can make the hard decisions even when everyone else is losing their minds.
• Healer!– Always snatch up a medical professional. While there may not be a cure for a zombie bite, an apocalypse doesn’t mean the end of cuts, scrapes, flus and other illnesses that can bring your team to its knees.
• Humanitarian – This sounds a bit silly but hear me out. It’s easy to lose your humanity in a crisis where you have to kill something that looks like your fellow human. If The Walking Dead has taught us anything, it’s that you can quickly become a cold monster in these situations. Don’t let that happen to you.
• Warrior – This person needs to be a little crazy, because they’re going to be putting themselves in danger quite often. They also need to be extremely effective with all types of weapons and clever enough to extract themselves from a potentially deadly situation. Camo clothing is non-negotiable.
• Elderly Sage – You’re going to find yourself in need of advice in a world where zombies are roaming about like they own the place, so you’re going to need someone who has seen a lot in their lifetime. Their wisdom is not to be underestimated, but they’re too old to protect themselves so make sure you spot them.

5. Hoard Smokes and Booze
You may not partake in these vices yourself, but other people do – and they won’t let zombies get in the way of their habits. These items are the gold-standard of bartering materials, and can buy you all sorts of useful things from ammunition to canned food. The power of these items cannot be overstated so make sure that when you’re accumulating supplies, these are at the top of your list.

6. Dress Code
This is an often overlooked aspect of surviving the undead, but keep your clothes tight, but comfortable. This means no long, flowy summer dresses or tight skinny jeans. You want to have full range of motion, but not enough fabric for the undead to grab. While you’re at it, chicks should either put their hair up in a tight bun or consider getting rid of it altogether. I mean really, the guy you were trying to impress at the coffee shop a week ago is now eating the guts of his neighbor. He’s not going to notice.

7. Always Aim For The Head
Severing the brain stem is the only way to truly lay the undead to rest, so as soon as you hear of a plague that is causing the dead to rise and bite people, start setting your sights on their melons. How many horror movies have you seen where the protagonists empty a magazine into the body of a zombie while they back away, stuttering about how it won’t go down? Don’t be THAT guy – know what you’re doing. If you’re not well trained enough to get headshots every time you aim a firearm, that’s okay. Bats, machetes, axes, and other weapons can provide a good opportunity to lop off the head of a zombie (or beat it into mush, your call.) While they’re a little close range, I would politely refer you to tip #1.