The top 10 items you’re too old to wear

As a 49-year-old woman I can safely say I have crossed the line many times in the realm of being too old to wear something. It’s called denial. I don’t have any issues with my age as I stated right off I am 49 and I’m proud of it. The issue I have is that I really like some of the trends and don’t think there should be a you are too old for this line – that’s the denial. I’m slowly coming to terms with the fact that the line is there and even though I believe I don’t look 49, I am 49. It’s time to act my age. So here are ten things you (and I) are too old to wear.

1. Cartoon Character clothing.

If you are over 30, and you want to sleep in it – that’s ok. Do not leave your house in it and go shopping, not even to Walmart. We may be never too old for Snoopy, but we are too old to wear him to market or anywhere else.

2. Jeans so low our thongs are visible.

Even if unlike the person in the above photo you look good in your low rise, tramp stamp showing thong pants, after you become a mother or a grandmother we don’t want to see or even know that you are wearing a thing. Have some dignity and cover your ass.

3. Leggings as pants.

Leggings are meant to go under dresses or long shirts/tunics. We should never see the waistband of your leggings if you are older than 30 and if you are under 30 but older than 18, you should only be wearing those in the gym. Camel toe is never in style, ever.

4. Micro miniskirts.

Micro miniskirts are a young ladies game as shown above. Over 35 try something a bit more on the classy side.

5. Daisy dukes or booty shorts.

Even if you look amazing in them, these shorts are for the younger lady. Over 35? Just say no to showing your crack and especially if there are words on your behind. Juicy? Maybe but if you look like Nana, we will all vomit. We don’t care to know the status of Nana’s or Mimi’s vajayjay.

6. Cheap jewelry.

If it turns your skin green, looks like you bought it at the Dollar Store, is plastic or made of beer bottle parts…unless your child made it for you, just say no to cheap jewelry after age 30. The only statement a plastic necklace after age 30 is making is that you are in age denial.

7. Clothes that don’t fit anymore.

I’m not talking about a person who is overweight here. I’m talking about someone who still thinks she is a size 2 because a coat hanger, the help of two strong friends and WD-40 managed to get that zipper up. Our bodies change as we age, we get bigger. Not a lot bigger in some cases but we have babies. Our shapes change even if we lost all the baby weight, every time we had a baby. We are not the same. Buy appropriately fitting clothing if you are over 30.

8. Hair bows, banana clips and scrunchies

Over 30, this needs to just stop. Unless you are dressing up in costume, this is a ridiculous look on an adult woman. Stop already!

9. The Carrie Bradshaw skirts

We all loved Carrie and she was over 40…yeah, she was, and she looked ridiculous. Her style was ridiculous and if you want to emulate it you will look ridiculous too. Tulle skirts are out unless you are a ballerina or under 30.

10. Cheap, ill-fitting bras and underwear.

Over the age of 30, you should not be buying your bras and panties at the same place you buy your groceries. There I said it. This goes full circle though because once you are over 65, you can go back to the local superstore and buy them because gravity has done its damage and we’ve gotten used to seeing old women with tube sock boobs, so don’t waste your retirement money on lingerie. Between 30 and 65, you need to buy decent fitting clothes and that includes good quality, properly fitting lingerie. If you look like you can nurse a litter of pups in your sweater, the bra is too small. If they move like a pendulum when you walk, try again. Good bras look nice and help alleviate back pain and bad posture. Nice panties without holes is the mark of womanhood. Be proud wear nice panties.

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