There are a lot of lists online already telling you, a grown adult with your own money, what you can and cannot wear. Your college sweatshirt, your Batman t-shirt, your miniskirt — all verboten after 25, say the “experts.”
Well, here’s an actual comprehensive list of what you’re really too old to wear from someone who respects free will and a free market economy. Steer clear of these, and you will never be committing a faux pas of age.
If you don’t have skin this smooth or a face this unwrinkled, I’m sorry, sister, but you are far too old for Pampers, Loves, and Huggies. Save this look for the privacy of your own fetish club (obviously doesn’t apply to people who genuinely need the adult version).
This is an absolutely adorable look on everybody under the age of ten. After that, you should be freezing to death in snow-encrusted jeans and galoshes, like a self respecting adult.
8. Cheerleader uniform.
Nobody wants to see you in this anymore, Hank. Not even your wife. She called me.
Look, we’ve all been there. After a rough day of work or a break up, who doesn’t like to drink a bottle of prescription cough medicine and get swaddled? But this is just inappropriate for the office, church, and the company softball game. Plus you can’t use your phone to look at Grumpy Sloth.
6. Your christening gown.
The garment your parents chose for you to wear while you were baptized into Christ’s church IS pretty dope. But even your godparents stopped thinking this was cute 20 years ago. Please stop. We’re all worried. Plus you can’t get even get it over your head.
5. A Cub Scout uniform.
These are amazing and denote a young person with dreams of serving his fellow man, which is why you must NEVER impersonate a Cub Scout. Preeetty sure this is punishable by federal law.
This is going to sound harsh, but once you’ve turned 21, you should retire the water wings and get a pool floaty with a drink holder for your mai tai. How do you expect anyone to take you seriously?
3. A bib.
As practical as these are, and as stain free as we’d like our clothing to be (especially for the bustier among us), you are just too old for any bib that doesn’t have a lobster on the front. We’re sorry. Get a Tide Pen.
Jumpsuits? Fine. Rompers? Fashionable! Onesies with a snap crotch? Oh no, honey. I’m sorry, but these are strictly for the under-three crowd. It seems cruel, but them’s the breaks. You don’t have the legs for it.
And Number 1, the carrier.
This is just weird, and I guarantee you people are judging you for it. I hate to break it to you, but nobody wants to wear you anymore. You’re too big. Following people around asking for upsies isn’t okay, either.
No, please don’t cry! Oh, does somebody need a hug? There, there.