The Top 10 Unintentionally Terrifying Children’s Cakes

Cake artistry has really exceeded our expectations in the past ten years, and sadly our abilities also. Ambitious home bakers see delights on television and Pinterest that they believe they can recreate at home, only to succeed in making something for their children that they will be telling a therapist about in fifteen years.

They say the thought counts, but so do unending nightmares of your child’s favorite cartoon character melting into a buttercream puddle of horror and sorrow. Let these ten unintentionally traumatizing cake fails be your inspiration…to call a bakery.

10. “Mommy, did Sponge Bob die?”

This person might have gone into the wrong business. If we can’t trust them to make a non-nightmarish cake of a character who is LITERALLY a simply rectangle, we will not trust them with our wedding dessert.

9. The cutesy scary Halloween cake that is actually the stuff of night terrors.

This was already going to force arachnophobes to reach for the Xanax, but that face is going to send children screaming to their parents’ bedrooms for years to come.

8. When Hello Kitty seems to be screaming for help.

The haunting look in this poor feline’s eyes will be mirrored by your poor child’s.

7. The Minecraft cake that also took its toll on Mom.

God bless Dolly. She tried. She wanted to cater to her kid’s obsession with the popular game, and it looks like she spent hours coloring, kneading, rolling out, and cutting the tiny pieces to make this soulless blocky hell face. And then it ate her soul.

6. Cookie Pus.

Someone was trying to recreate Carvel’s famous Cookie Puss. Someone should have just gone to Carvel. Now everyone who gazed upon this cake is sad for life. Don’t do this to children.

5. Put it out of its misery.

To his credit, it’s clear dad tried hard to make Jasmin happy with an emoji themed cake. Girls love emojis. What they don’t love are emojis that have been bound together in a dark ritual, crying out for death rather than sharing one amorphous and ever changing form.

4. To perdition and beyond!

Buzz Lightyear from Hell, we hardly knew ye. And we’d prefer not to.

3. The nasty, vicious bunny rabbit.

We have questions. First of all, why are Easter bunnies so hard to get right? From the guys in the suits to the cakes, everybody ends up making them scary. Second, why does it have more bunnies for eyes? An what in God’s earth are its teeth? And why is it green? Is it sick?

I’m an adult and I’m having this reaction. Imagine a child’s!

2. This is NOT the lamb of God.

God bless for keeping abreast of all the terrifying dessert disasters in the world. This one continues to make Easter scarier than Halloween by presenting a bloodied and blood shot lamb for the kiddies on Sunday morning. Yay? The religious symbolism is en pointe, but maybe not in CAKE form, people.

The kicker is the foil wrapped egg in front of the miserable creature, and the AMERICAN FLAG JAMMED IN ITS BACK.

But this Hellraiser hedgehog thing is the worst.

There’s so much awful here, it’s difficult to even know where to start. Let’s examine this from a child’s perspective. First, it’s pink, which is great, and appears to be stuffed with chocolate finger cookies, which is awesome, except…WHAT ARE THOSE TEETH?

This gummy maw under two beady eyes, in combination with the pink frosting and sparse quills, make this hedgehog look like it was dipped in acid before being plated. And who puts human teeth on a hedgehog? It looks like it’s gritting those teeth in agony, hissing “Please let me die” with its last gurgling gasps.

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