Congratulations On These 5 Horrible Milestones All of Us Go Through

Nobody gets out of this life alive. On the way, just about everybody in the First World goes through five rites of passage that quite frankly suck. But that which doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, right?

Maybe it just sends us to therapy. Anyhow, here are five milestones nobody ever asked for, but they’re almost inevitable. If you’ve survived them, mazel tov! Now you can impart your wisdom to the rest of us.

5. First taxes.

Nothing says “Welcome to the real world!” like filing your first taxes. Most of us are convinced we’re going to jail for tax fraud after sending in our first 1040EZ. Even the simplest instructions are worded in what seems like Orcish. It’s terrifying.

Perhaps even worse is the first time you owe. Then you realize you’re working to pay for things that some congressman promised a political action group. And kids wonder why adults are always so cranky.

4. Baby’s first car accident.

The phone call goes a little something like this:

“Hi, mom? Yeah, please don’t freak out and everyone’s okay and it’ll probably buff out but, um, I got hit/hit somebody/hit something and the police are here and this guy wants to exchange insurance WHAT DO I DO?”

This is awful. Aside from the shock of two massive entities colliding with each other, the humiliation of having to call the people who most likely paid for the vehicle (or at least the insurance) is, as they say, The Worst — almost worse than dealing with the police.

3. First layoff/firing.

Whether you’re 16 and given the bum’s rush because you were doing obscene things with pizza dough, or 35 and laid off due to budget constrictions, this is horrifying. The older you are and the more financial obligations you have, this transcends rite of passage and wanders into existential angst/dark night of the soul territory.

Losing one’s means of self care is devastating. It’s also a fairly common experience, so try not to see it as a personal failing so much as an opportunity to move forward…easier said than done sometimes.

2. First broken heart.

Even if it’s just a teen infatuation, the first time someone we love stops loving us back is a complete shock to the psyche. How could something that felt so perfect and wonderful before just be…gone?

You don’t even have to be the rejected person for this to hurt. You can be the one doing the breaking up and still be devastated, simply because you had hoped so hard that this would work out. Feeling unloved enough to leave a relationship is lousy.

And number 1, the death of a loved one.

The first time a family member or friend dies is the first time we really face mortality and the possibility that nothing is forever. It is a bone-deep grief that stuns us whatever age we first experience it.

If you’ve had the misfortune of losing a parent at a very young age, you know the lifelong ramifications of such an absence. All the things we are sad about when our parents pass on are scaled farther back the younger we are. “She’ll never meet her grandchildren” becomes “She won’t see me graduate from high school.” It’s a loss few people understand.

It is a loss, however, that floors us at any point in our lives.

Some of us experience death first through the loss of a friend. Young people tend to lose their peers through sudden accidents or tragic substance abuse. Some become unusually ill unusually early. This type of loss seems to us senseless and unpredictable.

In all of these losses, having someone to talk to can ease the transition from neophyte to survivor to wise old soul. Every “first”, no matter how innocuous or wounding, deserves a gentle and patient guide. Find someone who will listen; you are not alone in this experience.